Love and a Glorified Pigeon?

The L Word
Robin Hoselton

It wasn’t until I’d already left the post office that I looked at the book of stamps I’d just purchased. Instant disgust contorted my face. I waved the stamps at my co-worker when I entered the office. “Can you believe this?”

She glanced at the stamps and smiled. “Oh, how pretty.”

Obviously, she didn’t share my concern. I should have known better than to expect commiseration from someone who dots her i’s with a little heart. The stamp design features a white dove nestled in a heart-shaped bed of red roses with the word LOVE in prominent letters above.

Who OK’d this stamp? We, i.e. the general public, were asked our opinions on which Elvis picture we liked, so why weren’t our opinions solicited on this artwork?

I certainly didn’t mean to offer my deep heart-felt emotions to the recipients of my missives. What about

that weird guy in my chess club who’s liable to think I’m smitten with him when he gets my next game move in an envelope that proclaims for all the world to see that I’m sending him Love?

Love is one of those words that we treat far too casually. It should not be bandied about like the coarse, vulgarities of street punks, or even worse, the four-letter words spoken by weather forecasters–snow, cold, rain.

Glorified Pigeon

Even the picture on the stamp is offensive. Doves are really just glorified pigeons. Why would I want to honor the bird that fowls our park statues and the hood of my car? As for roses, everyone knows that a rose is simply the by-product of a thorn bush and getting punctured by tetanus-causing daggers doesn’t inspire thoughts of love.

These stamps may be ducky, uh… dovey, for pasting on envelopes of a romantic or tender nature, such as wedding announcements, or Valentine cards, but I don’t think they’re appropriate for poison pen letters, or court summonses.

Nevertheless, I’ve already paid for these silly stamps so I’m stuck with using them. Consequently, I’ve been writing family members and friends who I haven’t corresponded with for years. I don’t particularly harbor much affection for some of them, but at least it’s better than sending such sentimental tripe to my bill collectors.

Could it Be More Un-American than this?

Can you imagine using the hard-earned sweat of your saliva to stick such a stamp on your tax check to the IRS? An affection gesture like that is more than a breach of social etiquette—it’s downright un-American! What kind of message are we sending to our kids?

The postal organization could save us a lot of money if it fired whoever is responsible for this frivolity. We’d be spared the embarrassment of tonguing such hearts and flowers drivel and the designer could get a real job. My suggestion is to use numbered stamps. A thirty-scent stamp would have the number “30” on it and nothing else.

I suppose I could write the postmaster about this, but I’m not inclined to use a Love stamp for any complaint to a federal bureaucrat. I’ll have to wait until another design comes out. Perhaps there’ll be a stamp with a toad pictured on it.

Tagged doves, Elvis Presley stamp, glorified pigeon, love, Love Stamp, Love used too casually, post office, roses, stamps, the L word, US Post Office stamps, USPS