Things are Not What They Seem

Off Limits
Robin Hoselton

My kitchen is off limits to house guests. Their well-intentioned help in doing the dishes is a nuisance. Either I have to tell them every two minutes where to put something—“The glasses go in that cupboard; the baking pans go over there,”—or, worse, they put things away willy-nilly without asking.

This causes irritation when I have to poke through cupboards searching for something. When I mentioned this to my mother-in-law, she laughed and said, “I’d be in sad shape if I couldn’t find things in my own kitchen.”

I thought it over and decided the old battleaxe she was right. If I can traverse half an acre of a Wal-Mart super store to a particular aisle and a specific shelf, then zero in on a thimble, I could certainly navigate one small room. Life is too short to worry about hunting for a misplaced spatula.

So, I turned over a new leaf and graciously gave our company free rein in the kitchen. The results were disastrous.

You Used What?

You see, besides being the place for storage of foodstuff, pots and pans, and dishes, a farm kitchen contains items reserved for barnyard animals. Mine does, at any rate.

When my aunt served a foul-tasting custard recently, I asked her what was in it. Two of the ingredients she named were eggs and milk.

Instant suspicion prompted me to ask, “Where did you get the eggs?”

“I took them from the bowl on the bottom shelf of the refrigerator. I figured you’d probably want those used before opening a new carton.”

“Those eggs may be months old.” I informed her. “I found them underneath the corncrib one day and I have no idea how long they were there. That was before we fixed the fence so the chickens couldn’t get out anymore. I save those eggs to give to the dog and cats.”

Shocked, she hastily laid down her spoon while I questioned her about the milk.

“Well, you didn’t have any fresh milk so I used the powdered milk in that canister over there.”

“Of course you had no way of knowing, but that isn’t regular powdered milk; it’s medicated milk replacer for orphan calves. I keep it in the canister so it will stay fresh and dry, and I keep it in the kitchen because I have to mix it with water and warm it on the stove.”

Without another word, she threw the rest of the custard down the disposal.

“Don’t feel bad,” I said, “even my own daughter doesn’t always know what’s what.  The other day when she was fixing the turkey, I had to tell her the baster she was about to use is the one we keep for force-feeding liquids down sick goats.”

“Is your whole kitchen booby-trapped with food and utensils that belong to those animals?” she asked.

“Oh no,” I reassured her. “That’s about all. Except for the jar in the cupboard labeled ‘vitamins’ that’s really scour pills, and the bottle in the refrigerator with red liquid that looks like Hawaiian Punch which is really an antibiotic, and the drawer.

Tagged can't find things in cupboards, company, farm fresh brown eggs, farms, kitchen, kitchen off limits, the old battleaxe, you never know what you'll find in a famers kitchen