The Teeth of the Matter

Never Look a Gift Horse in the Mouth
Robin Hoselton

I used to conform to clichés of etiquette, but increasing age has diminished my patience with platitudes. Life is too short for false politeness, so now I not only look a gift horse in the mouth, but also count its teeth.

My imaginary stable has limited room. Its stalls are reserved only for things that either delight my soul or serve a useful function. I have no use for clutter like gold watches.

“Whoa! Gold watches?” you wonder. “Who wouldn’t want a gold watch?

Take a Licking and Keep on Clicking

Let me remind you, there are many different breeds of horses. What good is a sleek, fine-boned Tennessee Walker when I need a sturdy Percheron to pull a tree stump? Likewise, what good is a delicate Seiko when I’m shoveling barn manure and need my battered Timex that can “take a licking and still keep ticking?”

Lest you think I am ungrateful, let me hasten to assure you, I am. I worked as an insurance drone at X Company for ten years. X Company had no pension plan, no profit-sharing, and no inclination to give raises.

The company’s generosity in showing its appreciation to me with a gold watch was like giving a sugar lump to a horse that is starving for grain.

However, employees were expected to give money for the boss’s Christmas present, his birthday present, for Boss’s Day, the summer picnic and the winter Christmas party. This was in addition to providing the principals of the company with the profits of our labor, i.e. new cars, 13-passenger boats, beautiful homes, lakeside condos, and European vacations.

Of course, I pasted a bright smile on my face and said ‘Thank you.’ Later I inspected the watch in minute detail.

The first thing I saw upon opening the case was the $225.00 price tag still attached. That tacky ploy was to show exactly how generous X Company is, but I could have purchased a lot of equine tack if given the cash instead.

Next, I noticed the lack of numbers. Even fancy horses have registration numbers. It’s so much easier to glance at my Timex and see instantly that it is 7:25 instead of peering long and hard to figure out if those little lines mean 7:25 or 8:25

My third observation was that the non-adjustable watch band didn’t fit. I’d have to pay a jeweler to have the excess removed. Naturally I compared this to the leather strap on my Timex which I can simply buckle tighter. How can I ride a gift horse if I can’t adjust its bridle?

The fourth strike is its custom personalization. With the X Company logo on the face, and my name and date engraved on the back, I could neither sell the branded trinket nor re-gift it. By the way, I’ve never found it necessary to brand my horses either.

Now that I’ve detailed the dental decay in my gift steed’s mouth, what shall I do with it?

I guess I’ll set it aside until my trusty Timex gives up the ghost. I’m sure I’ll be mucking out the barn for a long time to come so when the day arrives that I proclaim “Long live the Seiko,” I’ll become the most elegantly accessorized manure shoveler in the county!

Tagged Boss's Day, gold watch for retirement, Never look a gift horse in the mouth, price tag still attached, take a licking and keep on clicking