Supermarket Bagging in Ten Easy Steps

 

It’s In the Bag
Robin Hoselton

When my neighbor confided that she was considering moonlighting as a supermarket bagger, I offered to give her lessons.

“Who needs lessons to put stuff in a bag?” she asked.

“Proper bagging is an effective psychological tool in furthering personal relationships,” I answered.

For instance:

1. Don’t give the customer a choice between paper and plastic. You can’t use a plastic bag for a child’s play mask, to line the bottom of a bird cage, or as wrapping to mail a package. The customer will be touched by your concern for the environment and will recycle the paper.

2. Never pack the bags more than half full. Groceries cost so much these days that the customer will feel better if he thinks he’s getting a lot for his money. Nine bags make him feel richer than four.

3. Put all cans into one bag, making it as heavy as possible. This is especially important if the customer is a frail old lady. She’ll have to rely on you for help. Streisand said it best when she sang, ‘People who need people are . . .’

4. Turn meat packages upside down so the bloody juices drip all over the other items. Then the customer realizes how fortunate he is that he can buy a cut-up chicken instead of raising, butchering and plucking it himself.

5. Place the bread on top of the sacks. When the trunk lid of the car crushes it, the customer must try different recipes, like bread pudding, so you’ve helped expand his horizons.

6. Vigorously slam the dry dog foods and cereals into the cart to pulverize them, so that no self-respecting dog will eat them and neither will Mikey who usually eats anything. They’ll be more appreciative if they have to go without a day, or two – a good lesson in humility.

7. Try a little consciousness raising. If you read aloud the chemical ingredients on the Cool Whip container, the customer involuntarily cringes when you reach for the Wonder Bread and the Tang. Next time, he’ll get the dark rye and fresh oranges. Much healthier.

8. Practice juggling jars of olives, pickles, and mustard. Don’t worry about breaking a few. Qué será, será. Besides, your occasional clumsiness will give customers a chance to look down on you and feel superior, something they can’t do with their bosses, or spouses.

9. On busy days, slow down. If the groceries pile up on the warm conveyor belt and the butter gets soft, the customer may pitch in to help and you’ll have a grand time getting to know each other over the eggs and catsup.

10. During nasty weather, sniffle, clutch a handkerchief, and sneeze a lot. The customer feels sorry for you (an exercise in compassion) and wheels his own cart to the parking lot. The cold rain, or snow whets his appetite, he eats more when he gets home, runs out of food sooner, and returns to the store earlier, thus securing your job.

At this point, my neighbor said rather dubiously, “Well, maybe I could sell Avon products.”

“Oh,” I said, “In that case, the first rule is to ring the doorbell when the lady of the house is in the shower. . .”

Tagged bags, crushed food, groceries