Patient Calls

The Fun Days on the Phone
Robin Hoselton

Actual calls I received while working as a receptionist in a medical clinic. The names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Too Busy

P: Hello. Let me speak to Dr. Blackheart.
R: He’s with a patient right now. Could I help you?
P: Well, he has to make me an appointment. I have to have an appointment. It’s an emergency. I’ve been having chest pains.
R: Can you come in right now?
P: No, I’m busy now. How about next Tuesday?

Why Not?

P: Can you tell Dr. Blackheart to prescribe me something for my throat?
R: You’ll have to come in to see him. He can’t make a diagnosis over the telephone.
P: Well, why can’t he?

What Time?

P: I’d like to make an appointment, please.
R: Which day would you like to come in?
P: Um, today I guess.
R. What time?
P: Well, first I have to go to Dr. Messer, then I have to go to the drugstore, then I have..
R: Just tell me what time.
P: Gee, I’ll have to think a couple of minutes.
R: You call for an appointment and don’t know what time you want to come in?
P: Well, I didn’t know what questions you’d ask.

Too Early

P: How come the waiting room is so empty?
R: Because you’re an hour early. The office doesn’t open until 9:30.
P: Oh. Well, when will the female lady doctor get here?
R: In one hour when the office opens at 9:30.
P: She don’t come in early?
R: No, she comes in at 9:30 when the office opens.

Number Please

P: Would you give me the telephone number of the Smiley Pharmacy?
R: Certainly. It’s …
P: Hold on. I’ve gotta go get something to write it down.

Specialist

P: What’s the address of the specialist doctor I’m supposed to go to today?
R: What’s the doctor’s name?
P: I don’t know.
What kind of doctor is he?
P: I don’t know.
R: Do you know what you were supposed to have done?
P: No.
R: If you give me your name, I’ll pull your chart to find out and call you back.
P: Well, never mind. I just called to tell you I ain’t going anyway.

What?

P: Hello, this is Mary Smith. I’m calling to cancel my doctor appointment because I’m not feeling good. When I feel better, I’ll come in.

Where’s Ted?

P: Hello. Is Ted the new x-ray technician there?
R: No, he’s not. May I take a message?
P: When will he be there?
R: I don’t know.
P: Is he coming in at all today?
R: I have no idea, but I’d be glad to take a message.
P: You’re not very well informed, are you?
R: No, I’m not. Ted’s not housebroken yet.

Don’t Laugh

P: Hi, this is Peterson. If I ask you a question, will you promise not to laugh? Is he in yet?
R: Ha, ha, ha. Of course not. It’s only 10:30 in the morning.

Friend or Foe?

P: May I speak to Dr. Blackheart, please.
R: May I ask who’s calling?
P: You may.
R: Are you a patient? If so, I’ll need your name so I can pull your chart for the doctor.
P: No, I’m not.
R: Are you a friend?
P: Well, I don’t know if you’d call me a friend or not. I’m his attorney.
R: You’re right. Using friend and attorney in the same sentence is contradictory.
Hold on, please.

Period

P: Hello. I’m calling to cancel my appointment with Dr. Blackheart. I got my administration.

Tagged doctor office, patient calls, receptionist